L.I.F.E.

the world just got put into a new whirlpool. this whirlpool occurs once in a while. more often lately.

what it does best is to wipe out the human race and whatever we hold dear to.

japan. earthquake. tsunami. wipe out.

then there’s the effects of a nuclear leak.

great! faster way to wipe us out.

USUALLY.

i’m not affected. i’m not even afraid. cos i know all these happens for a reason. and i know God is with me.

but lately…. i don’t know what got into me.

mood swings. negativity. everything seems dead to me.

i begin to think life is cruel. why were we made to go through things? why do we find love and in the end lose it? why were we born into this world and in the end to leave?

stupid thoughts i would say. but yes, my mind has been clouded with thoughts as such.

looking at deaths after deaths after deaths haven’t helped to cushion that foreboding feeling any bit.

i miss the two most wonderful women in my life. ah mah and popo. can i join u soon?

yadadadada. my actions reverberate louder than my words.

“some of you, your actions are so loud i can’t hear your words anymore.”

yes, that’s me. i speak of good days, i speak of positivity, i speak of success, i speak of fear.

but what am i, who am i, how am i?

I AM AN EMOTIONAL FREAK. I BREAK AT THE SLIGHTEST GUST OF WIND. I SWAY BEFORE THE RAIN HITS ME.

Lord, come and pick me up again. Heal my broken heart. Soften my hardened heart. I NEED YOU… to get me out of this mess I am in.

Know what’s funny? This mess….. is created by me.

life.
not exactly simple.
definitely not what we would always want it to be.

it’s a constant struggle.
a constant reminder.
a constant kick.
a perpetual roller coaster ride.
it can be a hurricane; or the calm reservoir.
what ever you perceive it to be.

lately, it has been shown to me that life is always fragile.
at times, it seems unfair.
why do the good peeps always  leave first?
i guess, God loves them so much… he wants to save them and move them to a better place first.
am i being suicidal? sometimes! but not always.
at times when i think about what a great place heaven is………. UH… i so wanna die instantly. but of course i’m not ready.
is anyone ready to die?  really?

to think i lost 2 grandmas, one after the other.
it’s not easy.
i miss them both soo soo much.
pictures remind me of them.
i can still smell ah mah’s scent somewhere.
look at the igallop, i think of ah mah.
look at my neighbour, i think of popo.
how i wish i can join u.
i miss u both.

then dad had a brush with death.
Polyclinic > Emergency > ICU > Normal ward.
All in 3 days.
Thankful condition can be controlled with diet and medicines.
Don’t leave me so soon Dad, everyone has been leaving me consecutively.
Don’t let this be a cycle.
It makes me afraid.

then you talk about work.
the world is never fair.
it’s always about the sales that u make.
how you look.
dependent on whether your boss likes you or not.
is it never about you?

people.
they are never good enough.
u are never happy with anyone.
never accepting everything of anyone.
there are always too many sounds i thought i heard but i don’t see anyone talking.

am i paranoid?

such. is one of those nights i’ve been having lately.

think and think and think.

and you realise there’s no point in it.